Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
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Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
Them: Just act casual
Me:
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
WWE is French for “yes”
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.