I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
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Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
Something Saturday.
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
Huge, if true.
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again