the three best gummy flavors, together at last
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My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.