Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
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[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying