GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
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*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
stand with me against insufficient seating
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”