If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
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Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
I only treason on days ending in y
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!