Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
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I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.