Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
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Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.