You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
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If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.