[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
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I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
What a year we’ve had this week.
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.