Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
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[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
Saturday
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”