Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
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Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..