taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
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They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords