birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
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Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
men are simple creatures
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee