[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
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I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
And then there were 4
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
If you love someone, let them sleep.
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer