it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
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* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.