11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
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I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”