[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
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The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
🤣😂
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.