Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
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Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try