Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
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My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯