KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
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WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.