Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
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It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.