Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
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A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
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Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”