ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
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No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you