We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
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People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
Well, my evening plans are ruined
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
i will avenge u mr van gogh
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
Never ghost your hitman.