Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
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The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.