If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
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My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
This forever.
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.