After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
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pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer