“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
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MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.