“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
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being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
doing your own taxes
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.