Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
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Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.