The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
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“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
Seems a bit forward
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
how do lawyers not cry when arguing