You Might Also Like
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
Breaking news:
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀