No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
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I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection