Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
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Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
Mornin
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
They’re on their honeymoon
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.