Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
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DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
Was it something I said?
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
Saw your ex at the shops
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”