Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
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{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY