The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
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Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
#ProTip
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
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The top ans was
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GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*