WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
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I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.