Pee pressure > peer pressure
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me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
All set.
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult