“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
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Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
(True)
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?