Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
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Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
I put the p in pants.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
we’re gonna need another temp
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay