My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
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[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”