Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
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My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.