There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
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It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
so i’m at the stock market right
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.