Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
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[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
Finally a use for spoilers…
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑