My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
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due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?