Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
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I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
Just so funny
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
“You’d better run, egg!”
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.