Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
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Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
How dude HOW?!
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
Why are bridges so flammable.
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.