According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
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DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.